Nurturing My Inner Child: Finding Strength Through Self-Compassion

A Lightbulb Moment

Driving in my car to work today, I’ve been thinking about my relationship with myself, and I have decided to become my own mother and my own daughter for the rest of my life.

The Challenges I’ve Faced Over the Years

Like many others, I have faced challenges for the past 26 years, including building genuine relationships, being highly sensitive to others’ reactions, feeling awkward at social events, never speaking up for myself, feeling devastated in conflicts, being mortified when others raise their voices, and engaging in endless self-criticism and rumination. Unfortunately, these painful experiences don’t disappear on their own, they often resurface when triggered by similar situations. For a very long time, I accepted that “this is it, this is my life. It’s not a big deal. I’ll just need to live with it, act normal, and keep going despite being controlled by these feelings”.  So, I minimised and internalised my frustration, did not pay attention to it, and avoided deeper reflection or understanding.

Understanding the Roots of My Emotional Pain

In recent years, I’ve come to realise that these emotions and pains stemmed from my long-gone childhood, which appeared perfect on the superficial and material terms and made me feel I’m unentitled to think that I didn’t have my needs met. They started to sprout and grow the first time I suppressed – or felt compelled to suppress – my needs and wants. Over time, these feelings accumulated, lingering with every breath I took and occasionally kicked my head to remind me of their existence through emotional pain. Even after 20+ years, these unmet needs have never gone away, no matter how much I wished they would. They do not want to be left alone, they do not want to be suppressed, ignored, unacknowledged, or silenced anymore.

Learning to Take Care of My Feelings with Kindness

Gradually, I understood that I should not treat these feelings the way I was treated. I do not want to disappoint them anymore, instead I need to take care of them. I must make efforts to be fully present, to acknowledge and appreciate them, and to create mental space for them to come and go freely. I must also have ongoing conversations with them, exploring their origins, empathising, validating, and reassuring them. They need to know that I am now much safer, stronger, and more powerful than I was years ago. I can protect myself and fulfil all my needs regardless of where I am or what others might say. 

Reflecting on Beauty Issues, Shame, and Self-Worth

Growing up like a “tomboy”, I never felt encouraged to pursue beauty. As a child, I often felt powerless to make choices about clothing, and if I asked for something, I would hear “that’s too expensive”,  or “it’s not worth it”. Being compliant with my parents, I dismissed my true preferences and accepted the “better option”. I cannot remember every detail of how my love for beauty was extinguished or how I began to feel ashamed of my desire, but I internalised these comments, telling myself “you don’t deserve the good things, don’t waste money”.

I remember feeling excruciating jealousy and envy towards other girls who knew how to dress up and whose parents willingly bought them the things they genuinely liked without putting moral pressure on them. I felt inferior, less pretty, and lacked confidence in dressing up or wearing makeup for a long time. What’s worse, I even chose to become the “clown” in my friend group in high school as a way to avoid being compared to the pretty girls while still getting attention. I made jokes to make people laugh, did things that would embarrass me, acted silly, and pretended to be dumb and “innocent”. Basically, I became the joke, the worst thing for a teenage girl who secretly wanted to be seen as pretty. I did the opposite of everything that would have earned me genuine respect. My friends loved being around me then, but only because I was a people-pleaser. I was deeply sad and lonely, but I couldn’t help repeating the same exhausting, self-sabotaging patterns. 

My Lucky Transformation into Confidence

Fortunately, when I entered university and met friends who truly respected me, I realized I had the right and choice to fully embrace and express my beauty. I decided to become more confident for myself. So how did these early experiences affect me? Even when browsing fashion websites, I would still hear that lingering voice “It’s too expensive, you don’t deserve it,” even if I was looking at a $100 shirt with $10000 in my bank account. Compelled by that voice, I would end up buying something much cheaper, of much lesser quality, and less fashionable, holding myself back from being who I wanted to be.

Meeting My Inner Mother Figure

Until recently, I realised this part of me had never been nourished, and I started to see a mother figure within myself – someone who looks at me with kindness, acceptance, and encouragement. For the first time, I felt the warmth from within, as if the little girl longing for attention was finally seen. I was truly amazed, feeling more powerful and more at peace than ever before. I believe I have awakened a sense of motherhood for myself, allowing me to see the vulnerable little girl who is scarred and disappointed. I am now tremendously motivated to support, protect, and stand by her no matter what.

Some Real- Life Progress:

I used to feel extremely guilty when purchasing something for myself but generous when buying for others. After every purchase of clothing or shoes, I would ruminate, checking my bank account and catastrophizing that I would never progress with my savings. However, after my recent realisations and feeling the power and love within me, I bought $1500 worth of fine jewelleries with little shame. I am clear with myself: I want to feel delighted, well cared for, and enjoy looking at my fingers adorned with good-quality rings. I’m proud of myself and eagerly await the arrival of the parcel.

Starting My Journey of Healing and Growth

I am still on the journey of healing and just began to feel that I’m on the right track. I am proud and confident that I can create a happier and more fulfilling life on my own. I know I can fully trust and rely on myself because I am determined to accept and love who I am. I will surround myself with everything that brings me peace and joy, and I will provide myself with unconditional positive regard, just as a mother would. I understand there will be ups and downs, and I will still be overwhelmed by life at times, but I’m up for the challenge and committed to caring for myself.